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By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS  Do y’all remember that ridiculous spectacle of Charlie Sheen where he basically coined the term “Winning!” It shined a spotlight on his mental health state and was also annoying in my opinion. And it feels remarkably similar to how a narcissistic ex acts after the relationship has ended and they have found ways to manipulate the family court system. So, what does it mean in your ex’s world to win?
The difficult part about this entire situation is that the way that our family court system is set up allows and actually seems to encourage these behaviors.
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By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS  Having a hard time falling asleep worrying about your kids?
How are they doing in school? Are they making healthy friends? Am I preparing them for all that life throws at them? Does worry about how your child is coping with the new parenting plan or worry about their safety at the other home keep you up all night and hypervigilant all day? You are not alone. Parents worry a ton in general, however if you have experienced domestic violence or narcissistic abuse or are dealing with family court with your abuser, this is likely not an every-now-and-then issue. You are probably chronically losing sleep. Is there anything we can do about it? By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS  If I had a dollar for all of the times that I heard a survivor of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse tell me that if they knew then what they know now about post-separation abuse, they would have done things differently, I would be rich.
Victims are told to escape and that things would get better and safer. But is this really the case? In my experience and those of my clients, this could not be any more false. And this is especially true if you share children with your abusive partner. You will experience abuse in another form, post-separation abuse. So, what is post-separation abuse? Abusive relationships are all about one partner gaining and maintaining power and control over their victim. When an abusive relationship ends, the abuser’s need for power and control doesn’t. In fact, because there is a significant decrease in the amount of control they have over their victim, very often the abuse increases. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS
By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, AC  What?!?!?!
You’ve got to be kidding me?!?!?! My ex has won over and over again. No accountability. The smear campaigns and false allegations against me (even on the stand), and you are telling me to let him win?!?! If you are thinking that we can’t be friends anymore, let me explain. When you are going through a “high conflict” divorce with an abusive ex, I’m sorry to tell you that it is going to be a battle. A long one at that. And for most survivors of abuse, it feels like you are doing everything just to keep your head above water day in and day out. There is nothing fair about this situation. Nothing. So, what can you do to get to shallow enough water to stand up for yourself and your children? By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS  1. Taking Control of the Timeline of the Case
If your client is hesitant or fearful to testify, their abuser knows it. How can the abuser use this to their advantage? They can use different tactics to continue the case. Some of these cases take over a year for the jury trial to occur, forcing your client to show up to court each time, experiencing all of the anxiety that occurs with this, only to find out that the case will be continued for another 6-8 weeks. This can happen numerous times for numerous reasons. This also effects other potential witnesses. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Note: While the statistics show that males perpetrate violence towards females at a much higher rate, women can also perpetrate domestic violence.  While our family court systems say their decisions are based on the best interests of the children, the evidence proves otherwise. Research suggests that in an estimated 30 to 60 percent of the families where domestic violence is identified, some form of co-occurring child maltreatment is also present (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Center for Injury Research and Prevention). One North American study found that children who were exposed to domestic violence were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused than the national average (Volpe, 1996).
And yet, domestic violence is not a major factor in determining who has access to unsupervised time with the children. I have several clients who have shared that attorneys have told them NOT to say anything about their experiences of domestic violence during family court proceedings as there are typically WORSE outcomes regarding parenting time and decision making for those who report the violence they have experienced. And as I talk with other professionals working with victims of domestic violence, this is not a small issue that is isolated to my community. Talking about domestic violence is considered the “kiss of death” by many family court attorneys. |
AuthorSybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. Archives
January 2023
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