Divorcing a Narcissist: What Does it Mean to Win?

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

Do y’all remember that ridiculous spectacle of Charlie Sheen where he basically coined the term “Winning!”  It shined a spotlight on his mental health state and was also annoying in my opinion.
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And it feels remarkably similar to how a narcissistic ex acts after the relationship has ended and they have found ways to manipulate the family court system.

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So, what does it mean in your ex’s world to win?

• ​Maintain power and control 
• Humiliate you
• Drain your finances
• Harm your relationship with family and friends
• Harm your relationship with your children
• Destroy you and “win” at all costs

The difficult part about this entire situation is that the way that our family court system is set up allows and actually seems to encourage these behaviors.  ​

​As a fledgeling clinician working with survivors (including the youngest witnesses) I truly believed that truth would prevail in most cases and that the focus would be on the best interests of the children.  I believed that if someone lied in a court setting that they would be held accountable and that evidence that showed the lying and deceit would be taken extremely seriously.  Nope.  This lack of accountability (and lack of true knowledge on what post separation abuse looks like in family court…this is a whole other soap box I will write at another time) basically gives abusive people permission to get better at their craft and do it in a public arena.  
And look, I know this sounds completely pessimistic and I am not usually a Debbie-downer.  So, I will leave you with some positive mindset shifts if you find yourself going down this Debbie-downer rabbit’s hole.

1. Your idea of winning does not match their idea of winning.  While they want to see your total destruction, your idea of winning is safety for yourself and your children and experiencing freedom and joy.  What is your “WHY?”
2. This is a marathon, not a sprint.  If you have realistic expectations, you will be better able to set yourself up for success.  What is your long-term goal(s)?  If you are focusing on what those longer term goals are, you will be able to make more strategic moves along the way.  Need to give them a perceived win…no problem.  This looks like you lost something while they gained something, but using this strategy can really help.
3. You have so much knowledge already.  You likely know your partner better than anyone.  And while you may not yet trust your gut and doubt yourself often, you are going to be the best predictor of future behaviors.  Pair up with a mental health professional (who fully understands family court), a divorce coach, your attorney, an advocate, whomever, to work together on how to mitigate the things you predict will happen.
4. You can get more knowledge.  There are some great resources on how to best show your case in family court with a narcissist, how to best document, and how to manage your stress levels as you go.
5. There are places where you can get support.  Now that there is more information and this issue is not being swept under the rug as often, you can likely find support wherever you are.  You are not alone.  Find your support, whether with family or friends or within a specific community.  

I have witnessed long-term court battles where, at times, nothing seems fair, and it feels like no one is looking out for your babies.  And I have seen the tides turn, where the judge starts to see the patterns and can start making decisions that are more informed.  I have seen shifts from 50/50 to families being able to relocate with their children.  It is a tough road; I am not going to lie about that.  But when well supported, you can have your win.

So, how can you increase the likelihood of getting the win; protecting you and your children?  

By becoming proactive and prepared from the start (or for your next hearing).

I have created a simple, six-topic checklist to help you move from scattered and scared to confident and courageous as you go through the family court process.  Learn some of the important things you need to put in place in order to  have a more successful experience.

Click here to grab your copy of the Family Court Checklist.