By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

Understanding the Consequences and How to Support Your Children
 
In families with a narcissistic parent, children often face unique challenges that can have lasting effects on their sense of self, relationships, and overall well-being. If you share children with your narcissistic ex-partner, it is likely that you have seen your children treated differently.

​One of the most prominent dynamics in these families is the designation of the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.”
 
Understanding the function of these roles for the narcissist and their consequences is crucial for protective parents who want to support their children and mitigate the harm caused by the narcissistic parent.

How many times do you hear women say, “I did it for my children"?
 
It’s nearly a universal answer. We sought an education or a new job to give them a better life. If they need extra care, we find a way to spend less time at work and more time with our children. We move to a better school district. We travel to find the right specialist. We throw them a birthday party when what we really need is a new bra and underwear or maybe a medical procedure with a decent copay and some recovery time.
 
This is the world that we live in. I know that I built my entire mid-twenties to mid-thirties around mothering. It’s what culture tells us is an acceptable use of our time and resources. We are praised for it. It feels good.
 
Until you do something for yourself, which may also be for your children, but the primary goal is your wellness. Then people start to talk, and those around you who benefit from your martyrdom become angry. Now, they are having to spend some of their time and resources parenting. It is appalling to society and to a partner who feels fully entitled to use all of their resources for their benefit and think that women should be the only one to sacrifice time and resources for child rearing.

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

How often do you find yourself saying “Yes” to something you know you do not have the time or bandwidth to take on just to avoid conflict?
 
I think this is an extremely common occurrence, especially for women. But, if you are healing from domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or an abusive family of origin, these patterns of saying “Yes” may be more than just trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings…these patterns likely allowed you to survive.
 
I’ve just wrapped up a conversation with my new friend Anita Sandoval on The Rising Beyond Podcast, and I feel like this episode can be used as a guide to move you from constantly fawning and people-pleasing to feeling more empowered to make decisions based on your needs and wants. Anita shared some personal experiences that were tough and led to her constantly foregoing her own needs in order to take care of an abusive partner and stay in the good graces of her family. She would likely say that challenging these patterns was not a walk in the park but was well worth it. So, pull up a chair, and let's unpack some of the lessons that can be learned from this conversation.

Maintaining a meaningful connection with your child when stuck in a “high-conflict” co-parenting situation can be a daunting task, especially if they spend more time with your ex-partner. Strategies will be different depending on the age of your child, so in this article we’re going to share strategies specifically for older kids that can help bridge the emotional gap and foster a sense of connection despite the circumstances. If you believe that there is a strong likelihood that your child is being indoctrinated to believe lies about you, these strategies can help but likely will not be enough to completely challenge that level of conditioning. Stay tuned for future articles where we will go into more detail on these cases.
​Understanding the Dynamics

Navigating the complexities of maintaining a connection with your child when they spend more time with your ex-partner means taking a look at various factors. The age and development of the child, your pre-existing relationship, and their feelings toward the living situation all play a crucial role. The strategies in this article are tailored for older kids, with the understanding that these can be adapted for younger children.

As I sit with my female clients day after day, a common theme emerges.  Right now, they are extremely angry and that makes them extremely uncomfortable.  It is probably helpful to mention that all my female adult clients are victims and survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.  Maybe that makes more sense to you now.  That they are angry at the abuse they have endured and maybe that they are angry at themselves for allowing the abuse to happen.  You are not wrong.  Many are angry for exactly these reasons. 

​But they haven’t always been angry.  It wasn’t safe for them to be angry.  So, what has changed?

Similar to the grief process when someone you have loved has died, anger is a stage in a larger process of healing.  These women are also grieving, but they are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that was not real.  They are grieving the promise that was made to them over and over again as a way to keep control of them.  Some are grieving the loss of the years they spent trapped, and some are grieving the loss of their identity completely.

"If what is being mirrored back to you is a person worthy of love and respect, a reflection of your strengths and your greatness, you will likely agree and walk with your head held high.  Ready to take on the world.  If the people around you are reflecting something different, maybe it’s time to change who is around you.

Sounds easy.  But what if the people you have around you say that they love you and that they will take care of you, but the reflection does not match?  If you believe that you are unworthy and are broken based on what you see in the people around you every day, the idea of leaving and finding your new village of people where your greatness will be reflected seems impossible. In fact, you probably will take on the reflections you receive back to you as truth.  That you are unworthy.  That you are broken."

In her article for bizcatalyst360.com, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, discusses the importance of surrounding yourself with a genuinely supportive inner circle -- people who will reflect and validate the best version of you -- when healing from a relationship of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.  Read the full article here.