Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse: Saying “No” to People Pleasing

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

How often do you find yourself saying “Yes” to something you know you do not have the time or bandwidth to take on just to avoid conflict?
 
I think this is an extremely common occurrence, especially for women. But, if you are healing from domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or an abusive family of origin, these patterns of saying “Yes” may be more than just trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings…these patterns likely allowed you to survive.
 
I’ve just wrapped up a conversation with my new friend Anita Sandoval on The Rising Beyond Podcast, and I feel like this episode can be used as a guide to move you from constantly fawning and people-pleasing to feeling more empowered to make decisions based on your needs and wants. Anita shared some personal experiences that were tough and led to her constantly foregoing her own needs in order to take care of an abusive partner and stay in the good graces of her family. She would likely say that challenging these patterns was not a walk in the park but was well worth it. So, pull up a chair, and let's unpack some of the lessons that can be learned from this conversation.

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Breathe, Center, and Find the Power to Press “No”
 
Breathing – it’s not just for yoga. Anita reminded us how something as simple as a deep breath can be a powerful tool for grounding ourselves when faced with the daunting task of saying “no.” It doesn't have to be a shout; sometimes, the most resolute “no” is whispered from a place of calm certainty. By finding our center in moments of pressure, we engage our brain's prefrontal cortex, the rational, decision-making champ that helps us stand firm in our choices without caving to the whims of a people-pleaser’s past.
 
Unconditional Self-Love

​If there’s one thing from my conversation with Anita that I hope resonates with you, it’s that unconditional self-love isn’t just self-help fluff; it’s essential armor for those of us walking away from people-pleasing and fawning after leaving an abusive relationship. Learning to love ourselves without ifs, ands, or buts sets a standard for how we allow others to treat us. And I know this is not easy to put into practice. Finding love and trust for yourself after being conditioned to believe that you are a terrible human takes a lot of work and time. But once you start to see yourself for the amazing person you are and start to trust your instincts again, conditional love won’t cut it anymore – not from others, and certainly not from yourself.

Step Into Your Role as Life’s Scriptwriter
 
Anita showed us the power of rewriting our brain’s narratives to star in our own lives – not just play a supporting role in someone else’s narrative. It starts with the small steps: surround yourself with those who cheer you on, define your core values, and hold them non-negotiable, and take those daily actions that line up with your authentic self. With each step, we create new neural pathways, like setting the stage for the person we are becoming: someone who’s shed the need to avoid conflict and stands tall in their own spotlight.
 
Before I sign off, I want to take a moment to honor where you’ve come from and let you know that we are holding hope for your future full of joy and freedom here at The Rising Beyond Community. So, if you haven't already, connect with us at risingbeyondpc.com, and let's continue this journey together. We would love to support you.
 
And if you’d like a deeper dive into how you can move away from people-pleasing if it no longer serves you take a listen to the full episode here or below.

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