Speaking out about abuse is never easy.

For survivors, telling the truth can feel like reclaiming your voice and your dignity. 

But for those who have lived with someone who thrives on control and power, telling the truth often comes with a significant cost: retaliation.

Narcissistic individuals, especially those high in coercive control, often respond to being exposed as if it were an existential threat. They do not see it as an opportunity for accountability or growth; they see it as an attack that must be countered.

How dare anyone contradict them or help to remove the mask that they so carefully keep in place when in public.
This dynamic affects not only survivors but also the professionals, friends, and family members who choose to stand beside them.

Why Retaliation Happens

A narcissist’s sense of self and ability to maintain power depends on controlling the narrative.
​
When that story is challenged by a survivor who speaks up, whether in a courtroom, a therapy session, or a social media post, they often shift quickly into a retribution and revenge mindset.
​

• They see exposure as humiliation.
• They perceive the survivor’s voice as a threat to their power.
• Retaliation is an attempt to regain control, punish the whistle-blower, and warn others not to follow suit. Even the threat of retaliation will often be enough to silence their critics.

The Smear Campaign

​If intimidation fails to keep someone quiet, the next move is usually to go public.

Narcissistic individuals often launch smear campaigns, portraying themselves as the true victim and the survivor (or their supporters) as unstable, vindictive, or dishonest. They often:

• Cherry-pick private details or twist facts to distort the survivor’s credibility.
• Enlist friends, extended family, or even professionals who don’t see the full picture.
• Spread accusations on social media, in their communities, or within legal systems.
  
  

These tactics not only hurt emotionally, but can also isolate survivors at the very time they most need support.

When Retaliation Scales Up

Retaliation can escalate far beyond gossip.

In some cases, abusers use institutions and systems as weapons: filing frivolous complaints, initiating court actions, or making false reports to authorities. This is often called “paper abuse” or “legal harassment.”[1] 

High-profile advocates have also consistently faced this reality.

I’m sure that almost everyone reading this remembers the retaliation of Justin Baldoni on Blake Lively and Johnny Depp on Amber Herd. And recently, Tina Swithin, the founder of One Mom’s Battle, has spoken publicly about the lawsuits and legal intimidation she has endured as a result of helping survivors of post-separation abuse including a new, extremely scary threat. Her experience illustrates how retaliation can aim not just to silence one survivor but to discourage anyone who might support them.

For more on "paper abuse" go here. 

The Chilling Effect

The ripple effect of retaliation is profound.

Many survivors second-guess whether to come forward.

Professionals hesitate to speak out or intervene.

Friends and family back away for fear of being targeted themselves.

This is how abuse and coercive control persist: not only through the actions of one individual but through the silence their retaliation imposes on a whole community.

I have been placed in the position of making the decision whether or not to speak out and advocate when it was likely that I would face retaliation. I was asked by a protective parent if I would testify in a case against Child Protective Services in the county in which I work. I knew enough about the situation to know there was wrong done…AND, many of the families my therapists and I work with are involved with CPS in this county. Would our clients be penalized because I spoke out?

The horrific answer based on my experiences was, yes. And so I chose not to be the expert witness in this case. I could not jeopardize the many families in my practice by standing up in this situation. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to make. I stand by my decision and am so angry that it was a decision that had to be made.

Breaking the Cycle

Although the risks are real, so is the importance of not letting retaliation win. So what, if anything, can we do to break the cycle of allowing the threat of retaliation to keep us silent?

• Documentation and support: Keeping careful records and seeking legal guidance can help survivors and allies respond to false claims. Even if you are the professional in a case, the documentation can make or break the situation.
  
  
• Community and connection: There is a reason I started a community for survivors. I cannot stress enough how important having a safe circle of support can be in helping you make your decisions and withstand the consequences. The goal of the smear campaigns and the threats is to isolate you as much as possible. Survivors and professionals alike need to ensure they have support around them.
  
  
• Shifting the culture: The more we speak about retaliation, the less power it has to intimidate. I know this feels like a pipedream right now. And it will change when those who feel entitled to the power have others taking their power back.
  
  

Speaking out takes courage. Supporting someone who speaks out takes courage.

Every time we shine a light on these patterns, we chip away at the control that retaliation is meant to enforce.

​Finding a therapist after experiencing domestic abuse can be daunting, but the right support is crucial for healing. In this guide from DomesticShelters.org, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, offers practical tips to help survivors identify therapists who truly understand the complexities of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. It covers questions to ask, such as evaluating a therapist’s experience, their therapeutic approaches, and whether they fit your emotional and financial needs. It also highlights resources to locate specialized professionals. With thoughtful advice, this article empowers survivors to take a confident step toward recovery.

Read the full article here or click the button below.

Understanding the Consequences and How to Support Your Children
 
In families with a narcissistic parent, children often face unique challenges that can have lasting effects on their sense of self, relationships, and overall well-being. If you share children with your narcissistic ex-partner, it is likely that you have seen your children treated differently.

​One of the most prominent dynamics in these families is the designation of the “golden child” and the “scapegoat.”
 
Understanding the function of these roles for the narcissist and their consequences is crucial for protective parents who want to support their children and mitigate the harm caused by the narcissistic parent.

The Golden Child: A Blessing or a Curse?

The golden child is the one who can seemingly do no wrong in the eyes of the narcissistic parent. They receive more attention, praise, and tangible rewards. You might think that this role is a better place to be for your child; however, this status comes at a cost. The narcissistic parent often leverages the golden child's qualities for their own validation and ego boost, living vicariously through the child's achievements.

Consequences for the Golden Child

1. Perfectionism and anxiety: The golden child feels immense pressure to maintain their status, leading to perfectionistic tendencies and fear of failure.
2. Conditional love: They learn that love and acceptance are contingent upon their performance, which can harm their self-worth.
3. Loss of identity: To please the narcissistic parent, the golden child may suppress their authentic self and become a people-pleaser.
4. Potential for narcissistic traits: Being constantly praised and lacking a strong sense of self can lead to the development of narcissistic qualities.

 The Scapegoat: Bearing the Brunt of Blame

The scapegoat, on the other hand, is the child who bears the brunt of the narcissistic parent's negative projections. They often embody qualities that the narcissistic parent dislikes within themselves, leading to constant criticism, blame, and neglect. 
 
 Consequences for the Scapegoat

1. Internalized self-blame: The scapegoat may internalize the message that they are inherently bad or unworthy of love. 
2. Behavioral issues: The lack of attention and validation can manifest as withdrawn, depressive behaviors or acting out.
3. Boundary struggles: In their search for love and acceptance, the scapegoat may have difficulty setting healthy boundaries.
4. Resentment towards the golden child: The scapegoat may feel resentful of the golden child’s perceived advantages and preferential treatment.

Supporting Your Children as a Protective Parent

​As a protective parent, your role is crucial in counteracting the harmful effects of the narcissistic parent's behavior. Although it may seem like this is out of your control, there are things that you can do to help mitigate these effects for your children. Here are some ways you can support your children:

How many times do you hear women say, “I did it for my children"?
 
It’s nearly a universal answer. We sought an education or a new job to give them a better life. If they need extra care, we find a way to spend less time at work and more time with our children. We move to a better school district. We travel to find the right specialist. We throw them a birthday party when what we really need is a new bra and underwear or maybe a medical procedure with a decent copay and some recovery time.
 
This is the world that we live in. I know that I built my entire mid-twenties to mid-thirties around mothering. It’s what culture tells us is an acceptable use of our time and resources. We are praised for it. It feels good.
 
Until you do something for yourself, which may also be for your children, but the primary goal is your wellness. Then people start to talk, and those around you who benefit from your martyrdom become angry. Now, they are having to spend some of their time and resources parenting. It is appalling to society and to a partner who feels fully entitled to use all of their resources for their benefit and think that women should be the only one to sacrifice time and resources for child rearing.

When we enter the greater systems of culture, religion, and government, motherhood is the fullness of our value to those systems. It is why childless women struggle with self-worth (correct, not all women, but many), it is why women do all of the nursery and children’s church work, it is why there is not adequate child care or family leave from work allowing women to have full careers.
 
Writing about family court experiences and leaving an abuser is what I do. When thrown into family court, this expectation of being “child centric” is exacerbated, especially for women. Men can claim they are “child centric” in filings, but women are expected to be automatically, so any action that appears to be solely for her benefit is appalling and viewed as negative in family court and the court of public opinion.
 
There comes a time when we must reconcile this and live differently for ourselves.
 
Healthy parents are better equipped to raise healthy children. If you are so busy pleasing everyone else and using all of your energy to care for everyone else, then there is nothing left for you. When there is nothing left of you, your parenting suffers, your relationships suffer, your career suffers—you suffer.
 
Though it is counter cultural, I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of doing things solely for your benefit. Living authentically and in integrity is the best example that you can set for your children. You can do this without throwing it in everyone’s face and, though I think we should be able to shout it from the rooftops, not everyone is ready for that. You may do it quietly, and some may still view it as an assault on their entitlement. Do it anyway, but armor up, because there will be pushback. Make room for the pushback, and you will figure out how to move through it.
 
Part of my healing process has been moving the motivation for my actions from being solely with regard to mothering, to being primarily with regard to my wellness.
 
Let me give you an example of a boundary.
 
Most states require coparenting classes when you divorce or begin a family court proceeding, even if you have not been married. Most conscientious parents take the content of the course seriously and try to remember it during the first few months of separation. These courses drive home how important it is to communicate well and often with your coparent.
 
During the first year or so post-divorce, I did this. I kept him informed of the children’s wellness, events at school, doctor’s appointments, social engagements, etc. There was daily communication. The children were small, so this felt appropriate at the time. I also shared parenting challenges. No child is perfect and no parent is perfect. That’s normal, that’s life. However, when leaving an abuser, nothing is normal. All of these updates and requests for input were turned into weapons.
 
Over time, I realized that I didn’t have to share everything, and that didn’t mean that I wasn’t actively coparenting. When the situations and communication were weaponized, it created crises for our family. Sometimes it involved school professionals, etc. I was constantly protecting and putting out fires. I had no energy to actually move forward in life.
 
That’s where the boundary came in handy. I decided to send an update once a week, and only include the things that were absolutely necessary. Sometimes the little fires were put out before it was time to send the email. I was saving myself time and energy. It took a while to develop that boundary, and to practice it so that I learned how the abuser would try to push through it, but I did it!

I established this boundary for myself. I needed peace in my brain. I needed to be able to focus on healing, learning what I wanted for the first time in my life, creating a home environment that was right for me, focusing on friendships, and being able to be present in the moment.
 
Those are selfish things to focus on in our world, they don’t feed into the mother martyrdom story that we have been fed. However, those were the most beneficial to my children.
 
There is one last idea to put out into the universe. This has taken over a decade to articulate. When I left the abusive relationship, I wasn’t functioning well. I had tried various methods to improve my mental health, create relationships, etc. Some of them helped to a certain degree. But, my main motive for leaving was that I saw what was happening to my children. I saw what they were learning. Children mimic everything, and I did not like what I was hearing and seeing. They were worth leaving and creating a new home.
 
I was worthy of a home environment that I desired. Even if the children were doing stellar, if I was not doing well, I was worth it on my own. My life carries the same value as any other human, regardless of gender or place card in society. My feelings and health are enough. I am enough to say, “I want out.” I have the right to create my own life.
 
It feels strange to operate this way. As with every change, there is an adjustment period. This was my path to wholeness.

I love a good personality quiz. 
 
It always brings back memories of getting my monthly Seventeen magazine and taking the different quizzes to learn all about myself. 
 
What kind of friend am I?
 
Which new hot celeb should be dating?
 
What does my style tell others about me?
 
I loved every single one of them. And still do!
 
Now that I'm older though, there really needs to be a little bit more depth before I am going to spend the time learning more about myself through a quiz (unless I'm waiting at the dentist office).
 
How does this relate to survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse?
 
Well, one of the most horrific consequences of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse is that your identity and sense of self are under attack and often completely stripped away. It can be exhausting and scary to try to figure out who you are again, what makes you tick, and then to accept and love yourself for all of those things?!?!
 
One tool you might want to add to your tool belt as you find your sense of self and learn to love and embrace who you are is the Enneagram. I recently had a conversation with my good friend and colleague, Talya Dash, LCSW, on how the enneagram can be used to find empowerment and sense of self as you heal from your abusive relationship.  Below are a few of the key takeaways from this conversation.

1. Embrace the Power of Self-Discovery

The Enneagram is more than just a personality test; it’s a powerful system for self-discovery and understanding. Talya and Sybil emphasize how the Enneagram can redefine one’s identity, especially for survivors. By identifying with specific personality types, you can decode your internal and external messages, leading to transformative self-awareness. Talya, a Type Two, finds liberation in the Enneagram, which shows the impactful journey of understanding oneself.

2. Recognize and Navigate Relationships

Understanding your Enneagram type can profoundly impact how you perceive and engage in relationships. Talya and Sybil delve into how various types, such as Sixes (the Chess Masters) and Sevens (the Enthusiasts), interact in crisis situations and everyday life. Recognizing types like Twos (the Helpers) and Threes (the Achievers) in relationships helps in establishing healthy boundaries and thriving amidst challenges. Leveraging this insight can improve relational dynamics and foster empathy.

3. Empowerment and Healing Through Validation

​The Enneagram can be a significant tool for healing by offering validation and fostering autonomy. Sybil points out the critical importance of these elements for survivors. Understanding your Enneagram type can guide you in feeling empowered rather than seeking or being subjected to manipulative power. This system can help you balance empathy and self-care, especially for types like Nines (the Peacemakers) and Ones (the Perfectionists). Learning about your personality type aids in re-framing power dynamics positively.

Navigating post separation abuse can leave us with barely a moment to catch our breath, let alone address the profound effects of how the abuse has completely derailed our mental and physical health. Imagine discovering an approach that encourages us to pause, evaluate, and strategically alter our paths towards a more aligned sense of wellbeing.
 
That's precisely what we learned during a recent discussion with Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Stephanie Small on The Rising Beyond Podcast. Stephanie shares her deep understanding of the interplay between nutrition, mental health, and systemic societal issues.
 
Now, between the hustle and bustle of single mom life, you might be thinking, “I need this information but when do I actually have a moment to listen?”
 
I’ve got you! I’ve grabbed the top three lessons that can help recalibrate your approach to health and happiness from the episode. And if this resonates and you want a deeper dive, I hope you can make the time for yourself to listen to the full episode. You deserve it.

1.  Embrace the Power of Gut Health for Mental Wellbeing
The gut isn't dubbed the “second brain” for nothing. Stephanie emphasizes the critical role of your digestive system as the gateway to overall health. Whether it be nutrient absorption, neurotransmitter production, or inflammation, your gut health wields immense power over your mental state. Ignoring digestive issues can derail your health train before it even leaves the station. And this isn't about quick fixes. Stephanie urges a return to basics, advising us to listen to our body’s cues and opt for a diet that fuels not just our physical form but our psychological resilience as well.
 
2.   Blood Sugar Balance: The Unsung Hero of Emotional Equilibrium
Have you ever considered that your mood swings might not be just emotional reactions, but also biochemical responses to your diet? Stephanie illuminates how our consumption – especially of carbohydrates – creates peaks and valleys in our blood sugar levels, mimicking and sometimes triggering symptoms of anxiety and depression. By embracing consistent and balanced eating habits, complemented by adequate protein intake and mindful eating practices, we can stabilize these fluctuations, leading to improved mood, enhanced focus, and fewer cravings.
 
3. A New Way to Improve Health and Get Help: The Collective Journey
In the aftermath of the isolation you have been subjected to during the abuse, Stephanie and Sybil stress the necessity of returning to mutual aid and communal support systems. Solo journeys through the nuances of health and nutrition prove daunting and ineffective. Embracing a collectivist mindset, one that looks beyond the surface and seeks to support and bolster the group, can revolutionize the way we tackle mental health and societal disconnect.
 
As you reflect on your own life, which of these paradigms needs attention? Are you nurturing your gut as the foundational pillar of health? Do you understand the patterns of your blood sugar throughout the day? And when was the last time you truly felt supported by and integrated within a community?

The Rising Beyond Podcast is not merely a place for passive listening; it's a call to action, an invitation to rethink, reinvent, and realign with practices that echo through your entire existence. So tell us, how will these lessons reshape your journey to well-being?

Listen below or watch the episode on our YouTube channel.

How often do you find yourself saying “Yes” to something you know you do not have the time or bandwidth to take on just to avoid conflict?
 
I think this is an extremely common occurrence, especially for women. But, if you are healing from domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, or an abusive family of origin, these patterns of saying “Yes” may be more than just trying to avoid hurting someone’s feelings…these patterns likely allowed you to survive.
 
I’ve just wrapped up a conversation with my new friend Anita Sandoval on The Rising Beyond Podcast, and I feel like this episode can be used as a guide to move you from constantly fawning and people-pleasing to feeling more empowered to make decisions based on your needs and wants. Anita shared some personal experiences that were tough and led to her constantly foregoing her own needs in order to take care of an abusive partner and stay in the good graces of her family. She would likely say that challenging these patterns was not a walk in the park but was well worth it. So, pull up a chair, and let's unpack some of the lessons that can be learned from this conversation.

Breathe, Center, and Find the Power to Press “No”
 
Breathing – it’s not just for yoga. Anita reminded us how something as simple as a deep breath can be a powerful tool for grounding ourselves when faced with the daunting task of saying “no.” It doesn't have to be a shout; sometimes, the most resolute “no” is whispered from a place of calm certainty. By finding our center in moments of pressure, we engage our brain's prefrontal cortex, the rational, decision-making champ that helps us stand firm in our choices without caving to the whims of a people-pleaser’s past.
 
Unconditional Self-Love

​If there’s one thing from my conversation with Anita that I hope resonates with you, it’s that unconditional self-love isn’t just self-help fluff; it’s essential armor for those of us walking away from people-pleasing and fawning after leaving an abusive relationship. Learning to love ourselves without ifs, ands, or buts sets a standard for how we allow others to treat us. And I know this is not easy to put into practice. Finding love and trust for yourself after being conditioned to believe that you are a terrible human takes a lot of work and time. But once you start to see yourself for the amazing person you are and start to trust your instincts again, conditional love won’t cut it anymore – not from others, and certainly not from yourself.

Step Into Your Role as Life’s Scriptwriter
 
Anita showed us the power of rewriting our brain’s narratives to star in our own lives – not just play a supporting role in someone else’s narrative. It starts with the small steps: surround yourself with those who cheer you on, define your core values, and hold them non-negotiable, and take those daily actions that line up with your authentic self. With each step, we create new neural pathways, like setting the stage for the person we are becoming: someone who’s shed the need to avoid conflict and stands tall in their own spotlight.
 
Before I sign off, I want to take a moment to honor where you’ve come from and let you know that we are holding hope for your future full of joy and freedom here at The Rising Beyond Community. So, if you haven't already, connect with us at risingbeyondpc.com, and let's continue this journey together. We would love to support you.
 
And if you’d like a deeper dive into how you can move away from people-pleasing if it no longer serves you take a listen to the full episode here or below.

Maintaining a meaningful connection with your child when stuck in a “high-conflict” co-parenting situation can be a daunting task, especially if they spend more time with your ex-partner. Strategies will be different depending on the age of your child, so in this article we’re going to share strategies specifically for older kids that can help bridge the emotional gap and foster a sense of connection despite the circumstances. If you believe that there is a strong likelihood that your child is being indoctrinated to believe lies about you, these strategies can help but likely will not be enough to completely challenge that level of conditioning. Stay tuned for future articles where we will go into more detail on these cases.
​
​Understanding the Dynamics

Navigating the complexities of maintaining a connection with your child when they spend more time with your ex-partner means taking a look at various factors. The age and development of the child, your pre-existing relationship, and their feelings toward the living situation all play a crucial role. The strategies in this article are tailored for older kids, with the understanding that these can be adapted for younger children.

Micro-Moments of Connection

In the realm of older children, it's important to recognize that they may not want constant companionship with you like they did when they were younger. This is developmentally appropriate as they move into their teen years. Instead, focus on creating micro-moments of connection. These brief interactions, whether in the car, during a snack break, or a quick visit to their room, should be intentional. Steer clear of using these moments for chores or challenging questions. The primary objective is to show genuine interest in their world – ask about their favorite video games, the latest trends, or their favorite music bands.​

When faced with limited physical time with your child, you can use technology to maintain a connection. Initiate text conversations without expecting immediate responses and send them things that remind you of them. Video visits using Facetime or other apps can be even more helpful in maintaining connection, especially when they are at the other parent's home. While these interactions aren't the time for challenging conversations, they serve as a way to reinforce your presence in their life. And if you have concerns that your abusive ex partner is listening or recording these conversations, you want to ensure that the focus is solely about your child and building connection.

Older kids may have tough questions about the situation. When they muster the courage to ask, it's crucial to respond appropriately. Avoid badmouthing the other parent but it is absolutely appropriate to express your disagreement with certain decisions or statements. Statements like, “your father/mother and I see that differently,” or “that statement about me is false.” Remember, this is not an opportunity for a power struggle; it's about maintaining transparency and answering your child’s questions in a safe way to maintain connection.

Practicing Patience

Clearly this step is easier said than done.  And it is extremely important. Respecting the timelines and pace of your teens is paramount  as you build or rebuild your relationship. Do NOT pressure them to move faster than  they are emotionally ready for.  This can lead to resistance and further distance. I know it is easier said than done, but by having patience, you build trust and show them that you are attentive to their needs and emotions.

What your child needs to see, no matter their age, is that you follow through with your promises.  Walk the walk, don’t just talk the talk. It is likely that their other parent will not be consistent with follow through and often do not do what they say they are going to do. So, it is extremely important that you show up differently. This contrast will eventually be very apparent to your child and will bring them closer to you. There is nothing that will break trust more than a broken promise. Show up every time with unconditional love and support and you will build a stronger relationship. 

Creating a Support System

In challenging co-parenting situations, having a strong and safe support system is indispensable. Establishing a safe inner circle can provide the space needed to navigate the ongoing onslaught of abuse. If you find yourself in need of additional support or if the strategies feel overwhelming, consider reaching out for assistance. Rising Beyond Power and Control, created with you in mind, offers a space for survivors navigating these muddy and treacherous waters just like you.

A Journey Towards Reconnection

Maintaining a connection with your child in the face of co-parenting with your abuser is undoubtedly a tough journey. By using these strategies – focusing on micro-moments, utilizing technology, addressing tough questions, practicing patience, and seeking support – you can navigate this journey with resilience and compassion. Remember, if the need arises, there is a community ready to offer guidance and understanding.

Wishing you a resilient and connected journey ahead!

​In the high-stakes arena of family court, where the well-being of children should be in the forefront of everyone’s minds, survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse are often ignored or even punished for trying to protect their children.

Navigating legal proceedings with an abusive ex can feel like an endless battle.  In Episode 60 of The Rising Beyond Podcast, Beyond Legislation: Reshaping Family Court with Lundy Bancroft, our expert guest shines a spotlight on the systemic challenges and the potential pathways to a reformed family court that truly protects the vulnerable.
 
​There are so many lessons that we can take away from this episode that features Lundy Bancroft, a leading authority on interventions for abusive men and passionate advocate for women survivors. I wanted to give you all the “Cliffs Notes” version of the top three takeaways that promise to reshape your understanding of family law, advocacy, and healing.

Lesson One: The Illusion of Co-Parenting with An Abuser
 
The stark reality is that co-parenting with a manipulative and abusive ex-partner is often an illusion. This concept of co-parenting, rooted in respect, trust, and shared values, falls apart when one parent weaponizes custody and visitation against the other. Lundy Bancroft reveals the truth of how abusers exploit family courts to continue their reign of control and intimidation. This episode confronts those harsh truths and offers a more protective approach in the form of parallel parenting. Here, the focus is on creating an ironclad parenting plan, prioritizing children's safety, and maintaining a steadfast barrier against the coercive tactics of an abusive ex.
 
Lesson Two: Legal Reforms and Activism Are Non-Negotiable
 
The second takeaway is crystal clear: legal reforms are crucial but insufficient on their own. Lundy Bancroft and I unpack the systemic flaws of the family court system, from ignored evidence of abuse to the sometimes mercenary roles of legal professionals. I get asked all the time, “what needs to happen for real change to happen?”
 
We need to build and sustain movements bent on reforming the system from the inside out. It's about more than just passing legislation; it’s about maintaining the pressure and accountability required to transform the justice system into an ally rather than an adversary for those seeking protection. Advocacy groups like the California Protective Parents Association show the path forward—it's time for incremental change to give way to sweeping reform.

Lesson Three: Healing, Hope, and Building a Community of Support

Finally, we cannot do any of the strategies shared without increasing the available support for survivors going through the family court system. We need to hear the voices of survivors, AND these survivors need a community of support to offer hope and validation. Lundy Bancroft shares messages of hope and resilience. Children can and do find their way back to a loving parent, even after being subjected to manipulation. There is power in offering your children unconditional love and the gift of perspective in order to increase your connection with your child and to increase their resilience.
 
Picking just three lessons from this episode was difficult. If you have the time and want to take a deeper dive into what needs to happen for change to happen, click the link below to listen.

​As a fledgeling clinician working with survivors (including the youngest witnesses) I truly believed that truth would prevail in most cases and that the focus would be on the best interests of the children.  I believed that if someone lied in a court setting that they would be held accountable and that evidence that showed the lying and deceit would be taken extremely seriously.  Nope.  This lack of accountability (and lack of true knowledge on what post separation abuse looks like in family court…this is a whole other soap box I will write at another time) basically gives abusive people permission to get better at their craft and do it in a public arena.  
And look, I know this sounds completely pessimistic and I am not usually a Debbie-downer.  So, I will leave you with some positive mindset shifts if you find yourself going down this Debbie-downer rabbit’s hole.

1. Your idea of winning does not match their idea of winning.  While they want to see your total destruction, your idea of winning is safety for yourself and your children and experiencing freedom and joy.  What is your “WHY?”
2. This is a marathon, not a sprint.  If you have realistic expectations, you will be better able to set yourself up for success.  What is your long-term goal(s)?  If you are focusing on what those longer term goals are, you will be able to make more strategic moves along the way.  Need to give them a perceived win…no problem.  This looks like you lost something while they gained something, but using this strategy can really help.
3. You have so much knowledge already.  You likely know your partner better than anyone.  And while you may not yet trust your gut and doubt yourself often, you are going to be the best predictor of future behaviors.  Pair up with a mental health professional (who fully understands family court), a divorce coach, your attorney, an advocate, whomever, to work together on how to mitigate the things you predict will happen.
4. You can get more knowledge.  There are some great resources on how to best show your case in family court with a narcissist, how to best document, and how to manage your stress levels as you go.
5. There are places where you can get support.  Now that there is more information and this issue is not being swept under the rug as often, you can likely find support wherever you are.  You are not alone.  Find your support, whether with family or friends or within a specific community.  

I have witnessed long-term court battles where, at times, nothing seems fair, and it feels like no one is looking out for your babies.  And I have seen the tides turn, where the judge starts to see the patterns and can start making decisions that are more informed.  I have seen shifts from 50/50 to families being able to relocate with their children.  It is a tough road; I am not going to lie about that.  But when well supported, you can have your win.

So, how can you increase the likelihood of getting the win; protecting you and your children?  

By becoming proactive and prepared from the start (or for your next hearing).

I have created a simple, six-topic checklist to help you move from scattered and scared to confident and courageous as you go through the family court process.  Learn some of the important things you need to put in place in order to  have a more successful experience.

Click here to grab your copy of the Family Court Checklist.