Mommy Martyrs

By Fierce Combustion

How many times do you hear women say, “I did it for my children"?
 
It’s nearly a universal answer. We sought an education or a new job to give them a better life. If they need extra care, we find a way to spend less time at work and more time with our children. We move to a better school district. We travel to find the right specialist. We throw them a birthday party when what we really need is a new bra and underwear or maybe a medical procedure with a decent copay and some recovery time.
 
This is the world that we live in. I know that I built my entire mid-twenties to mid-thirties around mothering. It’s what culture tells us is an acceptable use of our time and resources. We are praised for it. It feels good.
 
Until you do something for yourself, which may also be for your children, but the primary goal is your wellness. Then people start to talk, and those around you who benefit from your martyrdom become angry. Now, they are having to spend some of their time and resources parenting. It is appalling to society and to a partner who feels fully entitled to use all of their resources for their benefit and think that women should be the only one to sacrifice time and resources for child rearing.

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When we enter the greater systems of culture, religion, and government, motherhood is the fullness of our value to those systems. It is why childless women struggle with self-worth (correct, not all women, but many), it is why women do all of the nursery and children’s church work, it is why there is not adequate child care or family leave from work allowing women to have full careers.
 
Writing about family court experiences and leaving an abuser is what I do. When thrown into family court, this expectation of being “child centric” is exacerbated, especially for women. Men can claim they are “child centric” in filings, but women are expected to be automatically, so any action that appears to be solely for her benefit is appalling and viewed as negative in family court and the court of public opinion.
 
There comes a time when we must reconcile this and live differently for ourselves.
 
Healthy parents are better equipped to raise healthy children. If you are so busy pleasing everyone else and using all of your energy to care for everyone else, then there is nothing left for you. When there is nothing left of you, your parenting suffers, your relationships suffer, your career suffers—you suffer.
 
Though it is counter cultural, I’m here to tell you that you are worthy of doing things solely for your benefit. Living authentically and in integrity is the best example that you can set for your children. You can do this without throwing it in everyone’s face and, though I think we should be able to shout it from the rooftops, not everyone is ready for that. You may do it quietly, and some may still view it as an assault on their entitlement. Do it anyway, but armor up, because there will be pushback. Make room for the pushback, and you will figure out how to move through it.
 
Part of my healing process has been moving the motivation for my actions from being solely with regard to mothering, to being primarily with regard to my wellness.
 
Let me give you an example of a boundary.
 
Most states require coparenting classes when you divorce or begin a family court proceeding, even if you have not been married. Most conscientious parents take the content of the course seriously and try to remember it during the first few months of separation. These courses drive home how important it is to communicate well and often with your coparent.
 
During the first year or so post-divorce, I did this. I kept him informed of the children’s wellness, events at school, doctor’s appointments, social engagements, etc. There was daily communication. The children were small, so this felt appropriate at the time. I also shared parenting challenges. No child is perfect and no parent is perfect. That’s normal, that’s life. However, when leaving an abuser, nothing is normal. All of these updates and requests for input were turned into weapons.
 
Over time, I realized that I didn’t have to share everything, and that didn’t mean that I wasn’t actively coparenting. When the situations and communication were weaponized, it created crises for our family. Sometimes it involved school professionals, etc. I was constantly protecting and putting out fires. I had no energy to actually move forward in life.
 
That’s where the boundary came in handy. I decided to send an update once a week, and only include the things that were absolutely necessary. Sometimes the little fires were put out before it was time to send the email. I was saving myself time and energy. It took a while to develop that boundary, and to practice it so that I learned how the abuser would try to push through it, but I did it!

I established this boundary for myself. I needed peace in my brain. I needed to be able to focus on healing, learning what I wanted for the first time in my life, creating a home environment that was right for me, focusing on friendships, and being able to be present in the moment.
 
Those are selfish things to focus on in our world, they don’t feed into the mother martyrdom story that we have been fed. However, those were the most beneficial to my children.
 
There is one last idea to put out into the universe. This has taken over a decade to articulate. When I left the abusive relationship, I wasn’t functioning well. I had tried various methods to improve my mental health, create relationships, etc. Some of them helped to a certain degree. But, my main motive for leaving was that I saw what was happening to my children. I saw what they were learning. Children mimic everything, and I did not like what I was hearing and seeing. They were worth leaving and creating a new home.
 
I was worthy of a home environment that I desired. Even if the children were doing stellar, if I was not doing well, I was worth it on my own. My life carries the same value as any other human, regardless of gender or place card in society. My feelings and health are enough. I am enough to say, “I want out.” I have the right to create my own life.
 
It feels strange to operate this way. As with every change, there is an adjustment period. This was my path to wholeness.

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