Co-Parenting? Are You Kidding Me?

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

In an ideal world, co-parenting would be a great idea. 

You would be able to discuss your concerns respectfully and keep the children's best interest at the heart of every decision.  Although you might disagree on some things, you could have trust that your ex is coming from a place of authenticity and genuine care for your children.  You would NOT feel anxious any time you received a text, email, or call. 

But, really?  With this guy?  Co-parenting? 
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Ok ok, all jokes aside.  You are in it and have to figure this out.  So let's take a look at what is in the best interests of your kiddos, what is in your best interest, and what is in the best interest of your ex.

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Co-parenting vs. Parallel Parenting

Co-parenting involves things like collaboration, communication, and shared parenting values.  It requires a willingness to look at the other parent's perspective and having some flexibility.  During co-parenting, decisions about how the children will be raised happens in collaboration with each other and both sides take into account and try to share similar household rules and schedules.

Parallel Parenting limits the communication you have with the other parent and allows each parent to decide individually how to raise their children when they have them during their visitation time.  The goal of this approach is that each parent will still place the needs of the child ahead of their own; however, as you have experienced, this is not always the case.

So, as you are thinking about your relationship with your ex, which seems more likely?

You may realize that you become extremely triggered and anxious any time you have any contact with your ex and that compromise and flexibility is not an option when your ex is involved.  It's my way of the highway if your ex gets to be a part of the decision making and parenting styles.

In an ideal world, co-parenting will limit the loyalty anxiety that your children will experience, will model a healthy communication pattern, and both parents can authentically encourage the relationship the children have with the opposite parent.  

Unfortunately, you are not living in an ideal world (understatement of the year).

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So, what is best for your children?

• Not witnessing conflict between parents
• Reducing parent stress, which will in turn reduce the child's stress
• Not being put in the middle of conflicts
• Knowing that you have unconditional love for them
• Knowing that they have at least one safe place to fall

What's in your best interest?

• Not having constant anxiety about conflict arising
• Not hearing passive aggressive statements about how horrible of a parent you are
• Feeling like you can parent in a way that fits your value system
• Knowing your children have at least one safe place to fall

What's in your ex's best interest?

• Having constant control of you and the children
• Getting their supply of either ego stroking or conflict
• Having you as their secretary
• Getting to take credit for your hard parenting work
• Getting to show off the happy family pictures
• You having low self-worth and no boundaries

...and the list goes on...

So, as you read this, what type of parenting seems to be the best fit for you and your children?

What type of parenting will decrease yours and your child’s stress levels?
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If you have decided that parallel parenting is the best option for your family, is it a good idea to stand up and tell the judge that you refuse to do co-parenting?   

NO!  

But you will know what you need to do to keep yourself and your kids as safe as you can given your situation.

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