Reshaping The Family Court System for Survivors of Narcissistic Abuse: Lessons from Lundy Bancroft

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

​In the high-stakes arena of family court, where the well-being of children should be in the forefront of everyone’s minds, survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse are often ignored or even punished for trying to protect their children.

Navigating legal proceedings with an abusive ex can feel like an endless battle.  In Episode 60 of The Rising Beyond Podcast, Beyond Legislation: Reshaping Family Court with Lundy Bancroft, our expert guest shines a spotlight on the systemic challenges and the potential pathways to a reformed family court that truly protects the vulnerable.
 
​There are so many lessons that we can take away from this episode that features Lundy Bancroft, a leading authority on interventions for abusive men and passionate advocate for women survivors. I wanted to give you all the “Cliffs Notes” version of the top three takeaways that promise to reshape your understanding of family law, advocacy, and healing.

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Lesson One: The Illusion of Co-Parenting with An Abuser
 
The stark reality is that co-parenting with a manipulative and abusive ex-partner is often an illusion. This concept of co-parenting, rooted in respect, trust, and shared values, falls apart when one parent weaponizes custody and visitation against the other. Lundy Bancroft reveals the truth of how abusers exploit family courts to continue their reign of control and intimidation. This episode confronts those harsh truths and offers a more protective approach in the form of parallel parenting. Here, the focus is on creating an ironclad parenting plan, prioritizing children's safety, and maintaining a steadfast barrier against the coercive tactics of an abusive ex.
 
Lesson Two: Legal Reforms and Activism Are Non-Negotiable
 
The second takeaway is crystal clear: legal reforms are crucial but insufficient on their own. Lundy Bancroft and I unpack the systemic flaws of the family court system, from ignored evidence of abuse to the sometimes mercenary roles of legal professionals. I get asked all the time, “what needs to happen for real change to happen?”
 
We need to build and sustain movements bent on reforming the system from the inside out. It's about more than just passing legislation; it’s about maintaining the pressure and accountability required to transform the justice system into an ally rather than an adversary for those seeking protection. Advocacy groups like the California Protective Parents Association show the path forward—it's time for incremental change to give way to sweeping reform.

Lesson Three: Healing, Hope, and Building a Community of Support

Finally, we cannot do any of the strategies shared without increasing the available support for survivors going through the family court system. We need to hear the voices of survivors, AND these survivors need a community of support to offer hope and validation. Lundy Bancroft shares messages of hope and resilience. Children can and do find their way back to a loving parent, even after being subjected to manipulation. There is power in offering your children unconditional love and the gift of perspective in order to increase your connection with your child and to increase their resilience.
 
Picking just three lessons from this episode was difficult. If you have the time and want to take a deeper dive into what needs to happen for change to happen, click the link below to listen.

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