Leaving a relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) can be incredibly difficult and confusing. But there are reasons it's so hard. "Perhaps you've noticed that the abuse isn't "on" all the time. As a result, you may be wondering whether you should stay or go. To add to the confusion, you may not know if your circumstances even qualify as abuse. If this is striking a chord for you, know you are not alone. There are others out there who have been through this, too, and support is available for you." In the PsychCentral article, How to Leave an Abusive Relationship with Someone with NPD, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS and other experts in the field of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse weigh in on why this is so difficult, and what victims can do about it. Read the full article here.
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"There are a lot of beliefs about the importance of forgiveness out there. I am not here to debate those beliefs or to say what is true or not true. What I would like to share is what I have seen to be important for survivors to truly heal from their experiences with abuse over the last decade, and that is the importance of self-forgiveness. The levels of shame are extremely high with most victims of relational trauma. Survivors of sexual abuse, child abuse, and domestic violence share this in common. Shame permeates these survivors to their core, and when these ideas have been yelled at you over and over by the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone, it can feel cemented and permanent. This feeling of permanency of shame is just that, a feeling...not truth. Shame can decrease and dissipate over time with intention. And how can one take control over the timeline of this process? By practicing self-forgiveness." In her article for bizcatalyst360.com, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS discusses the inverse relationship between shame and self-forgiveness. As you offer yourself more compassion and self-forgiveness, your levels of shame decrease. Read the full article here. "If what is being mirrored back to you is a person worthy of love and respect, a reflection of your strengths and your greatness, you will likely agree and walk with your head held high. Ready to take on the world. If the people around you are reflecting something different, maybe it’s time to change who is around you. Sounds easy. But what if the people you have around you say that they love you and that they will take care of you, but the reflection does not match? If you believe that you are unworthy and are broken based on what you see in the people around you every day, the idea of leaving and finding your new village of people where your greatness will be reflected seems impossible. In fact, you probably will take on the reflections you receive back to you as truth. That you are unworthy. That you are broken." In her article for bizcatalyst360.com, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, discusses the importance of surrounding yourself with a genuinely supportive inner circle -- people who will reflect and validate the best version of you -- when healing from a relationship of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse. Read the full article here. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, AC What?!?!?! You’ve got to be kidding me?!?!?! My ex has won over and over again. No accountability. The smear campaigns and false allegations against me (even on the stand), and you are telling me to let him win?!?! If you are thinking that we can’t be friends anymore, let me explain. When you are going through a “high conflict” divorce with an abusive ex, I’m sorry to tell you that it is going to be a battle. A long one at that. And for most survivors of abuse, it feels like you are doing everything just to keep your head above water day in and day out. There is nothing fair about this situation. Nothing. So, what can you do to get to shallow enough water to stand up for yourself and your children? By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Divorcing a narcissist needs a strong and well-developed plan, especially if you have children together. You will need to plan not only around the logistical issues that will arise but the emotional ones that will likely come up through one of the toughest journeys you may ever take. In the Up Journey article How to Divorce a Narcissist, Sybil and other professionals offer valuable insight and advice for navigating divorce with a narcissistic partner. Read the full article here. “I have something that’s difficult to share and am wondering if you could sit with me and listen...” Sharing your story of abuse can be extremely difficult, but doing so can be an integral part to finding the support you need to heal. In this PsychCentral article by Hilary I. Lebow and medically reviewed by Kendra Kubala, PsyD, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS shares tips to testing the waters to opening up and sharing your story. Read the full article here. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS 1. Taking Control of the Timeline of the Case If your client is hesitant or fearful to testify, their abuser knows it. How can the abuser use this to their advantage? They can use different tactics to continue the case. Some of these cases take over a year for the jury trial to occur, forcing your client to show up to court each time, experiencing all of the anxiety that occurs with this, only to find out that the case will be continued for another 6-8 weeks. This can happen numerous times for numerous reasons. This also effects other potential witnesses. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS Note: While the statistics show that males perpetrate violence towards females at a much higher rate, women can also perpetrate domestic violence. While our family court systems say their decisions are based on the best interests of the children, the evidence proves otherwise. Research suggests that in an estimated 30 to 60 percent of the families where domestic violence is identified, some form of co-occurring child maltreatment is also present (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Center for Injury Research and Prevention). One North American study found that children who were exposed to domestic violence were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused than the national average (Volpe, 1996). And yet, domestic violence is not a major factor in determining who has access to unsupervised time with the children. I have several clients who have shared that attorneys have told them NOT to say anything about their experiences of domestic violence during family court proceedings as there are typically WORSE outcomes regarding parenting time and decision making for those who report the violence they have experienced. And as I talk with other professionals working with victims of domestic violence, this is not a small issue that is isolated to my community. Talking about domestic violence is considered the “kiss of death” by many family court attorneys. By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS When thinking about domestic violence, the physical forms of violence seem to be what folks think about and hold as the most vicious form of abuse. It is true that physical and sexual abuse cause a significant amount of harm and trauma to its survivors. But let’s look at one of the actions that allow someone to maintain a level of power and control that can lead to physical abuse...gaslighting. What is gaslighting? Gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation done from one person to another where the manipulator succeeds in having the target question their own reality, memory, or perceptions (Wikipedia and Oxford Languages Dictionary). This can be done in many different ways by an abusive partner, from minimizing the abusive experience: “Oh my God. You are over-exaggerating. That didn’t really hurt.” To telling you how you do or do not feel: “You're not actually sad, you are just trying to get attention.” To challenging your perceptions of a situation: “Wow! That’s not how I remember it at all. Did you take your meds this morning?” |
AuthorSybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, is a Licensed Professional Counselor who specializes in working with victims and survivors of narcissistic abuse. Archives
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