While our family court systems say their decisions are based on the best interests of the children, the evidence proves otherwise.  Research suggests that in an estimated 30 to 60 percent of the families where domestic violence is identified, some form of co-occurring child maltreatment is also present (Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia Center for Injury Research and Prevention).  One North American study found that children who were exposed to domestic violence were 15 times more likely to be physically and/or sexually abused than the national average (Volpe, 1996).

And yet, domestic violence is not a major factor in determining who has access to unsupervised time with the children.  I have several clients who have shared that attorneys have told them NOT to say anything about their experiences of domestic violence during family court proceedings as there are typically WORSE outcomes regarding parenting time and decision making for those who report the violence they have experienced.  And as I talk with other professionals working with victims of domestic violence, this is not a small issue that is isolated to my community.  Talking about domestic violence is considered the “kiss of death” by many family court attorneys.  

​When thinking about domestic violence, the physical forms of violence seem to be what folks think about and hold as the most vicious form of abuse.  It is true that physical and sexual abuse cause a significant amount of harm and trauma to its survivors.  But let’s look at one of the actions that allow someone to maintain a level of power and control that can lead to physical abuse...gaslighting.
​
 
What is gaslighting? 
 
Gaslighting is a specific type of manipulation done from one person to another where the manipulator succeeds in having the target question their own reality, memory, or perceptions (Wikipedia and Oxford Languages Dictionary).  This can be done in many different ways by an abusive partner, from minimizing the abusive experience:
 
“Oh my God.  You are over-exaggerating.  That didn’t really hurt.”
 
To telling you how you do or do not feel:
 
“You're not actually sad, you are just trying to get attention.”
 
To challenging your perceptions of a situation:
 
“Wow!  That’s not how I remember it at all.  Did you take your meds this morning?”