Glossary

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Forms of Abuse

Coercive Control – A strategic pattern of behavior designed to dominate and control a partner, often through isolation, manipulation, and intimidation, leading to a loss of autonomy and sense of self.
Listen: Episode 66: Breaking Down Coercive Control with Kate Amber, MS
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​Emotional/Psychological Abuse – A pattern of behavior that threatens, intimidates, undermines, or systematically diminishes an individual's self-worth. Tactics include manipulation, humiliation, and controlling behaviors.

Financial/Economic Abuse – Controlling or restricting an individual's access to financial resources, thereby limiting their independence and ability to support themselves. This can involve withholding money, preventing employment, or accumulating debt in the victim's name.

Physical Abuse – The use of physical force against another person, resulting in injury, pain, or impairment. This includes hitting, slapping, punching, choking, and other forms of physical assault.
Post Separation Abuse – The ongoing, willful pattern of intimidation of a former intimate partner after the victim has left the relationship, including legal abuse, economic abuse, threats and endangerment to children, isolation and discrediting and harassment and stalking. (See below section: Co-Parenting and Post-Separation Dynamics)
See: Post Separation Abuse Wheel
Listen: Episode 29: What is Post Separation Abuse?
Listen: Episode 41: Post Separation Abuse Q&A
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Reactive Abuse – A situation where the victim, after prolonged abuse, reacts aggressively or emotionally, and the abuser uses this reaction to portray the victim as the aggressor. Note: RBPAC dislikes this term as it puts blame on the victim and does not give enough responsibility to the abuser.

Sexual Abuse – Any non-consensual sexual act or behavior forced upon an individual, including unwanted touching, sexual assault, or coercion into sexual activities.

​Spiritual Abuse – The use of religious beliefs or spiritual doctrine to control, manipulate, shame, or silence a victim. This form of abuse can occur within religious institutions or personal relationships.
See: Continuum of Violence
See: Power and Control Wheel

The Cycle of Abuse

The cycle of abuse describes the repetitive patterns seen in abusive relationships, reinforcing control over the victim. There are many people who do not like to use the cycle of abuse any longer as some of the concepts can be misconstrued as non-abusive (i.e. The Honeymoon Phase).  Each part of the cycle IS abusive and allows the abuse to continue. 
Idealization (Love Bombing) Phase – The abuser overwhelms the victim with excessive attention, affection, and promises of a perfect relationship. This phase builds deep emotional bonds and makes the victim feel special and loved. Not all love bombing includes a financial component where the abuser spends money.  It includes the abuser masking and mirroring that they also believe in and hold the same values of their victim in order to gain a sense of closeness and connection quickly.

Tension-Building Phase – The abuser becomes more critical, irritable, or distant. The victim may feel like they are “walking on eggshells,” trying to prevent an outburst. Emotional manipulation, passive-aggressive behavior, or subtle threats may increase.
Incident (Acute Explosion) Phase – The abuser engages in overt abuse, which may include verbal attacks, physical violence, coercion, or intense psychological manipulation. This is the most dangerous phase for the victim.

Reconciliation (Honeymoon) Phase – The abuser apologizes, promises to change, or downplays the abuse. They may engage in “future faking” (making false promises about a better future), gift-giving, or playing the victim to keep the partner from leaving.

Discard Phase – The abuser abruptly ends the relationship, withdraws affection, and may humiliate or devalue the victim. They often move on quickly, sometimes beginning a new relationship (known as “monkey-branching”) before the previous one is fully over.
See: Cycle of Violence (Abuse) ​

Tactics Used in Abusive Relationships

DARVO – This technique is how a narcissistic and abusive person moves away from taking accountability.  It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.  If you challenge them in any way about their behaviors, they will initially deny that this happened, they will then attack you, and then they will take the victim stance and project the abusive stance onto you.

Emotional Blackmail – Manipulative tactics where the abuser uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control the victim's behavior and decisions.

Gaslighting – A form of psychological manipulation where the abuser causes the victim to doubt their own perceptions, memories, or sanity, often by denying facts, lying, or twisting information.

Hoovering – Named after the vacuum brand, it refers to attempts by the abuser to “suck” the victim back into the relationship through manipulation, promises, or threats after a period of separation.

Intimidation – Using threats, gestures, or actions to instill fear in the victim, thereby gaining control over their actions and decisions.
Isolation – The abuser's attempt to cut off the victim from external support systems, including friends, family, and social networks, to increase dependence on the abuser. This also prevents the victim from having their positive attributes mirrored back to them on a consistent basis, which is an attack on self worth and identity.

Sexual Coercion – Any non-physical behavior that induces or forces another person into unwanted sexual activity. It involves using pressure, manipulation, threats, or other tactics to gain sexual compliance without the victim's informed consent. 
Listen: Episode 117: Reproductive Coercion with Lynn Stroud

Stonewalling – The refusal to communicate or cooperate, often used as a manipulation tactic to control or punish the victim. This is also known as “the silent treatment” and can be used as a form of gaslighting.
Blog: The Silent Treatment

Triangulation – A manipulation tactic where the abuser brings a third person into the relationship dynamics to create jealousy, rivalry, or division.

Co-Parenting and Post-Separation Dynamics

BIFF Model of Communication – Originally created by Bill Eddy, LCSW, the BIFF method of communication can be a model that supports the speckled rock method (below).  Your communication will follow the following items: It is Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.

Co-Parenting – A collaborative arrangement in which both parents continue to share responsibility and decision-making for their children after separation or divorce.

Co-Parenting App – A digital platform designed specifically for separated parents to manage and facilitate communication regarding their children.  Using an app is highly recommended as it can help to set boundaries, assist with documentation for family court, and is admissible in family court hearings.
Peaceful CoParenting Messenger 
Listen: Episode 30: A Co-Parenting App Can Protect You From Your Narcissistic Ex with Bianca Balogh
Our Family Wizard
Talking Parents

Counter-Parenting – Deliberate actions by one parent to undermine, interfere with, or sabotage the other parent's relationship with their child, often seen in high-conflict separations.

Gray Rock Method – A strategy where the victim deliberately becomes unresponsive and boring to the abuser, aiming to diminish the abuser's interest and reduce manipulative interactions. This tactic of communication may not be the best option for you if you share children with your partner and need to “prove” that you are a good co-parent to the family court.
Watch: Gray Rock vs. Speckled Rock
Parallel Parenting – A structured co-parenting method where each parent independently manages their time with the child, minimizing direct interaction with the other parent, often used in high-conflict situations.
Listen: Episode 113: Co-Parenting v. Parallel Parenting with a Narcissistic Ex

Parental Alienation (Claims) – A pseudo scientific concept created by Richard Gardner as a way to help perpetrators of sexual abuse avoid consequences of their actions and is now used as a legal claim to explain why a child does not want contact with one of their parents.  The theory is that one parent is brainwashing the child to stop loving a caring and safe parent.  While an abuser will attempt to cause harm and severe the connection and attachment between a child and the victim parent, the term is used successfully in family court when physical or sexual abuse disclosures from the child are present.
Listen: Episode 44: The Myth of Parental Alienation

Speckled Rock Method (Yellow Rock) – A strategy where the victim “speckles” in some niceties and politeness in their communication with the goal of “proving” that you are a good coparent. The goal is to refute the narrative of your abuser that you are “alienating” or not encouraging the relationship between the child and the other parent. 
Watch: Gray Rock vs. Speckled Rock
Blog: Co-Parenting? Are You Kidding Me?
Blog: Navigating Co-Parenting Challenges: Strategies for Connection with Older Kids
Listen: Episode 32: Surviving the False Narrative of Your Abuser
Listen:  Episode 34: Maintaining Hope During Post-Separation Abuse
​Listen: Episode 51: It's Not High Conflict, It's Post-Separation Abuse with Kaytee Gillis

Legal Terms & Family Court

Mediation – A process where a neutral third party, called a mediator, facilitates communication between disputing parties (usually spouses in a divorce) to help them reach a mutually agreeable settlement on issues like child custody, spousal support, and property division, without going to court, allowing them to actively participate in decision-making regarding their situation.

Initial Status Conference (ISC) – A preliminary hearing where both parties meet with the judge or a court facilitator to discuss case timelines, mediation, and potential temporary orders.

Temporary Orders Hearing –  A hearing where a judge issues short-term decisions on child custody, spousal support, child support, and financial arrangements while the case is ongoing.

Emergency Hearing (Ex Parte Hearing) –  A hearing that occurs when one party seeks immediate relief, such as a temporary restraining order or emergency custody change, without the other party present initially.

Restraining Order Hearing – A hearing to determine whether a temporary restraining order (TRO) should be extended into a permanent protection order.

Custody Hearing (Parental Responsibilities Hearing) – A hearing where the court determines parental responsibilities, including legal and physical custody, parenting time, and decision-making authority.

Modification Hearing – A hearing to request changes to existing court orders related to custody, child support, or spousal support due to changed circumstances.

Contempt Hearing – A hearing where one party accuses the other of violating a court order, such as failing to follow a parenting plan or refusing to pay child support. The judge can issue penalties, including fines or even jail time.

Final Orders Hearing (Trial) – A full hearing where both parties present evidence and testimony, and a judge makes final decisions regarding the divorce, custody, division of assets, and support.

Post-Decree Hearing – A hearing that occurs after the divorce is finalized to address ongoing issues such as enforcement of court orders, modifications, or parental disputes. 
Judge – The legal authority overseeing divorce, custody, and support hearings, making final rulings on contested issues.

Magistrate – A judicial officer who handles certain family court matters, such as temporary orders and minor disputes, but does not have full judicial authority like a judge.

Guardian ad Litem (GAL) – A court-appointed attorney or advocate who represents the best interests of the child in custody disputes, conducting investigations and making recommendations to the court.

Child and Family Investigator (CFI) – A court-appointed professional, usually an attorney or mental health expert, who conducts a brief investigation into parental fitness and makes custody recommendations. CFIs are more cost-effective than PREs but offer less in-depth analysis.

Parental Responsibilities Evaluator (PRE) – A licensed mental health professional (often a psychologist) who conducts an in-depth evaluation of both parents, the child, and relevant parties to make comprehensive custody and parenting recommendations. A PRE’s report carries significant weight in court.

Parenting Coordinator (PC) – A neutral third-party professional who helps high-conflict parents resolve co-parenting disputes and improve communication.

Decision-Maker (DM) – A court-appointed professional with the authority to make binding decisions regarding parenting disputes, similar to a judge but focused only on family matters.

Parenting Coordinator/Decision-Maker (PC/DM) – A dual-role professional who first attempts to help parents mediate decisions (as a PC) but has the power to issue legally binding decisions (as a DM) when parents cannot agree.

Child Legal Representative (CLR) – A lawyer who represents a child's interests in court. The CLR is appointed by a judge or magistrate. 
Listen: Episode 31: Tips to Succeed in Family Court with Attorney Rachel Dane
Listen: Episode 39: Surviving Family Court with a Narcissist
Listen: Episode 53: Tips for Testifying in Family Court
Listen: Episode 69: Protecting Yourself in Family Court with Documentation
Listen: Episode 85: Finding Peace: Overcoming Injustice in the Broken Family Court System
Listen: Episode 112: How Women are Framed in the Family Court System Dr. Cocchiola and Amy Polacko
Listen: Episode 124: Leveraging Your Expertise for Better Custody Outcomes in Family Court with Julie Nabors
Listen: Episode 125: Shining a Light on Family Court Failures with Rachel Pickrel-Hawkins and Erin Siegal
Listen: Episode 138: Going Pro Se in Family Court: How to Represent Yourself and Protect Your Kids with Casey Brinkman
Blog: Top Four Defense Strategies that Unfortunately Work
​See: Documentation Workbook

Other Terms Regarding Coercive Control, Domestic Violence, and Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Supply – The attention, admiration, and emotional energy that a narcissist seeks from others to sustain their self-esteem and sense of worth.

Flying Monkeys – Individuals who, intentionally or unknowingly, assist the narcissist in their manipulation and abuse of the victim, often by spreading rumors or pressuring the victim to return to the abuser.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder – Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition/diagnosis in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism.
Moral Injury – Moral injury refers to the psychological, social and spiritual impact of events involving betrayal or transgression of one’s own deeply held moral beliefs and values occurring in high stakes situations. Moral injury is not a recognized mental health disorder in itself, but may be associated with PTSD or depression.
Listen: Episode 50:  How Narcissistic Abuse Leads to Moral Injury

Vicarious Shame – This refers to the feeling of shame experienced by an individual based on the actions or behavior of another person, usually someone within their social group, where the observer feels a sense of personal embarrassment or negative reflection on their own identity due to the other person's behavior, even though they themselves did not directly participate in the action.
Glossary Sources
Office of Women’s Health, Wikipedia, Thehotline.org, Colorado Judicial Branch, Merel Family Law, Mayo Clinic, One Mom’s Battle, National Institutes of Health, Openarms.gov

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I created Rising Beyond Power and Control to close the enormous gap that exists for victims and survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.

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In order to empathize with someone's experience, you must be willing to believe them as they see it and not how you imagine their experience to be.

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To forgive is to grieve – for what happened, for what didn't happen – and to give up the need for a different past. 

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Being trauma-informed does not mean you allow folks to be hurtful without consequence. Trauma may explain hurtful behavior, but does not excuse it.

Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

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Rising Beyond Power and Control

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