The Retaliation Playbook: How Narcissists Punish Survivors and Silence Their Allies

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

Speaking out about abuse is never easy.

For survivors, telling the truth can feel like reclaiming your voice and your dignity. 

But for those who have lived with someone who thrives on control and power, telling the truth often comes with a significant cost: retaliation.

Narcissistic individuals, especially those high in coercive control, often respond to being exposed as if it were an existential threat. They do not see it as an opportunity for accountability or growth; they see it as an attack that must be countered.

How dare anyone contradict them or help to remove the mask that they so carefully keep in place when in public.
This dynamic affects not only survivors but also the professionals, friends, and family members who choose to stand beside them.

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Why Retaliation Happens

A narcissist’s sense of self and ability to maintain power depends on controlling the narrative.
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When that story is challenged by a survivor who speaks up, whether in a courtroom, a therapy session, or a social media post, they often shift quickly into a retribution and revenge mindset.
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• They see exposure as humiliation.
• They perceive the survivor’s voice as a threat to their power.
• Retaliation is an attempt to regain control, punish the whistle-blower, and warn others not to follow suit. Even the threat of retaliation will often be enough to silence their critics.

First Steps: Threats and Intimidation

Retaliation often starts small and private.

A text message implying you’ll “regret it.”

A late-night email warning that “lawyers will get involved.”

A rumor passed through a mutual acquaintance.
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These early tactics are designed to sow fear and doubt before you even have a chance to share your story.

I have had the unfortunate pleasure of receiving several threats over the years. Most came from parents of the kids one of my therapists or I have worked with. There have been overt threats of suing me or grieving my license while others have been more covert and passive aggressive. All of them require a thorough assessment of the level of threat in order to make a decision on how to respond. The goal of these threats…to stop pulling back the curtain on their abuses.

The Smear Campaign

​If intimidation fails to keep someone quiet, the next move is usually to go public.

Narcissistic individuals often launch smear campaigns, portraying themselves as the true victim and the survivor (or their supporters) as unstable, vindictive, or dishonest. They often:

• Cherry-pick private details or twist facts to distort the survivor’s credibility.
• Enlist friends, extended family, or even professionals who don’t see the full picture.
• Spread accusations on social media, in their communities, or within legal systems.
  
  

These tactics not only hurt emotionally, but can also isolate survivors at the very time they most need support.

When Retaliation Scales Up

Retaliation can escalate far beyond gossip.

In some cases, abusers use institutions and systems as weapons: filing frivolous complaints, initiating court actions, or making false reports to authorities. This is often called “paper abuse” or “legal harassment.”[1] 

High-profile advocates have also consistently faced this reality.

I’m sure that almost everyone reading this remembers the retaliation of Justin Baldoni on Blake Lively and Johnny Depp on Amber Herd. And recently, Tina Swithin, the founder of One Mom’s Battle, has spoken publicly about the lawsuits and legal intimidation she has endured as a result of helping survivors of post-separation abuse including a new, extremely scary threat. Her experience illustrates how retaliation can aim not just to silence one survivor but to discourage anyone who might support them.

For more on "paper abuse" go here. 

The Chilling Effect

The ripple effect of retaliation is profound.

Many survivors second-guess whether to come forward.

Professionals hesitate to speak out or intervene.

Friends and family back away for fear of being targeted themselves.

This is how abuse and coercive control persist: not only through the actions of one individual but through the silence their retaliation imposes on a whole community.

I have been placed in the position of making the decision whether or not to speak out and advocate when it was likely that I would face retaliation. I was asked by a protective parent if I would testify in a case against Child Protective Services in the county in which I work. I knew enough about the situation to know there was wrong done…AND, many of the families my therapists and I work with are involved with CPS in this county. Would our clients be penalized because I spoke out?

The horrific answer based on my experiences was, yes. And so I chose not to be the expert witness in this case. I could not jeopardize the many families in my practice by standing up in this situation. It was an extremely difficult decision for me to make. I stand by my decision and am so angry that it was a decision that had to be made.

Breaking the Cycle

Although the risks are real, so is the importance of not letting retaliation win. So what, if anything, can we do to break the cycle of allowing the threat of retaliation to keep us silent?

• Documentation and support: Keeping careful records and seeking legal guidance can help survivors and allies respond to false claims. Even if you are the professional in a case, the documentation can make or break the situation.
  
  
• Community and connection: There is a reason I started a community for survivors. I cannot stress enough how important having a safe circle of support can be in helping you make your decisions and withstand the consequences. The goal of the smear campaigns and the threats is to isolate you as much as possible. Survivors and professionals alike need to ensure they have support around them.
  
  
• Shifting the culture: The more we speak about retaliation, the less power it has to intimidate. I know this feels like a pipedream right now. And it will change when those who feel entitled to the power have others taking their power back.
  
  

Speaking out takes courage. Supporting someone who speaks out takes courage.

Every time we shine a light on these patterns, we chip away at the control that retaliation is meant to enforce.