By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

Having a hard time falling asleep worrying about your kids?

How are they doing in school?  Are they making healthy friends?

 Am I preparing them for all that life throws at them?

Does worry about how your child is coping with the new parenting plan or worry about their safety at the other home keep you up all night and hypervigilant all day?

You are not alone. Parents worry a ton in general, however if you have experienced domestic violence or narcissistic abuse or are dealing with family court with your abuser, this is likely not an every-now-and-then issue.  You are probably chronically losing sleep.
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Is there anything we can do about it?

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

If I had a dollar for all of the times that I heard a survivor of domestic violence or narcissistic abuse tell me that if they knew then what they know now about post-separation abuse, they would have done things differently, I would be rich.

Victims are told to escape and that things would get better and safer.  But is this really the case?

In my experience and those of my clients, this could not be any more false.

And this is especially true if you share children with your abusive partner.

You will experience abuse in another form, post-separation abuse.

So, what is post-separation abuse?
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Abusive relationships are all about one partner gaining and maintaining power and control over their victim.  When an abusive relationship ends, the abuser’s need for power and control doesn’t.  In fact, because there is a significant decrease in the amount of control they have over their victim, very often the abuse increases.

By Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS

In an ideal world, co-parenting would be a great idea. 

You would be able to discuss your concerns respectfully and keep the children's best interest at the heart of every decision.  Although you might disagree on some things, you could have trust that your ex is coming from a place of authenticity and genuine care for your children.  You would NOT feel anxious any time you received a text, email, or call. 

But, really?  With this guy?  Co-parenting? 
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Ok ok, all jokes aside.  You are in it and have to figure this out.  So let's take a look at what is in the best interests of your kiddos, what is in your best interest, and what is in the best interest of your ex.

"If someone in your life has a pattern of playing the victim, it may feel confusing and frustrating. You’re not alone and there are ways you can cope." In the article,  How People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) Play the Victim for PsychCentral, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS and other experts weigh in on the patterns individuals with NPD display when playing the victim and how we can respond.  What is the "victim mentality" and why do individuals with NPD like to exist in this space?  What are the best, proven ways to interact with someone in this state of mind?  Read the full article here.

As I sit with my female clients day after day, a common theme emerges.  Right now, they are extremely angry and that makes them extremely uncomfortable.  It is probably helpful to mention that all my female adult clients are victims and survivors of domestic violence and narcissistic abuse.  Maybe that makes more sense to you now.  That they are angry at the abuse they have endured and maybe that they are angry at themselves for allowing the abuse to happen.  You are not wrong.  Many are angry for exactly these reasons. 

​But they haven’t always been angry.  It wasn’t safe for them to be angry.  So, what has changed?

Similar to the grief process when someone you have loved has died, anger is a stage in a larger process of healing.  These women are also grieving, but they are grieving the loss of a person and a relationship that was not real.  They are grieving the promise that was made to them over and over again as a way to keep control of them.  Some are grieving the loss of the years they spent trapped, and some are grieving the loss of their identity completely.